Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Basil Method 8: It's Insane How Unlike JJ's Post This is, So It's Really Hard to Find a Rhyming Name

After a short...err...not-so-short...hiatus, I, Basil, have returned to finally respond to the post that JJ wrote up so long ago. Yeah, sorry for being insanely inconsistent and such...
I read through JJ's post and immediately came up with an insanely amazing idea for my post, complete with rhyming name and all. However, it's been a few weeks, and I tend to forget things that are actually importatnt (yes, blogging does fall under that category). Therefore, my amazing idea, title and all, decided to go and elope with my original idea for Basil Method #5, and therefore will not return. I did, however, find another celebrity-esque method, but it has nothing to do with parents. Or LA. Or being adopted. But JJ was telling me to post something, so here it is.

So you've finally reached method #8 (technically, 16 if you want to count the fact that there are two methods per number). All your other efforts at obtaining popularity have failed. You searched the streets day in and day out for a British boy, only happening to come across two guys from Greenland and a handful from Germany.You became the star of the musical, but it only gave you some small elementary school fangirls and some jealous upperclassmen. You went out and bought a fancy schmancy camera, but all it got you was a disc full of pictures you don't have the time to upload. Well, now's your chance to obtain that popularity you've been striving for. How? Through some celeb action, of course.

1. Remember that amazing singing voice that got you the lead in the school musical as a freshman? No? Well, it's there (or if it's not, refer to your resident magical alpaca for some help with that), and you should probably make use of it. After the musical, many have forgotten your amazing theater skills, focusing back to People magazine or some cheesy gossip blogs (while stopping by degrassipwns.blogspot.com for all their Degrassi needs) for new info to tell. This is where I finally start to tell you what to do. Grab your singing voice and an open audition schedule for a Broadway show that's either opening or re-casting. It's best to go with re-casting, since people already know what the show is and it's already popular. However, you want to aim for a lead role, so do whatever's available.

2. Nail that audition. I mean, with your insanely amazing singing voice and decent enough dancing skills, how could you not? You'll amaze the director and instantly obtain a role in the show. This role doesn't even have to be a lead role for the popularity aspect, but with that singing voice (and a magical alpaca who can ake you look the part as well), you're sure to grab a lead.

3. Rehearsals should be starting soon and will probably be lasting a while, but keep the whole thing under wraps and don't tell a soul. Act as if everything is perfectly normal and continue on with your life as always.

4.Finally it's opening night for a Broadway show (will it flop, or will it go? The cast is taking-...okay, I'll stop now with the showtunes). That first night, blow the audience's socks off (well, you don't really need me to tell you to do that). The good reviews will come rushing in, striking newspapers and television shows everywhere, your name being mentioned in every single one.

5. Returning to school, you'll find a TON of people beginning to notice you. Not just the theater nerds, but EVERYONE. Why? Well, if that exclusive cast party the news had full coverage of wasn't enough, then maybe your recent connections with some Broadway and TV stars will be. Now, note that at this point, the popular kids most likely won't be friends with you. Why? Broadway connections aren't enough. Sure, they'll envy you, but TV is where the action's at, and that's where you're headed next. On the flip side, if your school is already bowing down to you because of your Broadway show, then feel free to bask in it and skip the rest of this method.

6. Find a teenage TV actor that's into Broadway and that is associated with FOX. Don't ask me who this could be, since I am almost completely dead to pop culture. Charm him with your fascinating good looks and perfect personality (complements of the magical alpaca, of course) until your new relationship is all over the tabloids to the point where the two of you have a combined name.

7. Your connections with said TV actor will eventually earn you a walk-in role on his show, or perhaps a featured part for an episode. Whatever it may be, do it well. Even better than the actors/actresses that are actually in the show. Next thing you know, you've got a part in Glee as a result of your amazing talent and awesomeness, since the FOX people happened to stop by during your featured role, and they've already seen your current Broadway show due to an inconspicuous invite complete with backstage passes.

8. Here's where you attract the kids to you. You're now on Glee, one of the most popular shows that hit televistion for the past year, but tfilming doesn't start for a few months, so you can finish the school year. Sit back and watch as the popular kids flock to you, hoping for your attention so they can snag invites to some sort of red-carpet party in NYC. Grant the invites to them, of course, and now, not only are you the envy of the school, but you've got a posse to go with it.

Friday, April 30, 2010

JJ Method 8: Daddy's Girl

This one's hard to pull off, but if you manage to, it's fool-proof.

1) Do something awful to get your parents to disown you. But don't go crazy. Just something they'd hate, not something the police force and/or government could potentially hate. This way, you're not a criminal, orphan, or murderer, you just don't have a legal guardian.

2) Run off to LA for the summer. Stage a scene in which some celebrity could potentially die but jump in at the last second to save their life. Be sure you don't get too creative, though. Make it so that you can easily save them without putting your life in too much danger. And although I assume this is self-explanatory, I'll clarify regardless: Don't make it look like the incident was caused by you, just prevented by you. Otherwise, you're a criminal. And that's not what we want to accomplish.
(Also, Celebrity-wise, I'd say Robert Downey Jr., James Marsden, or Morgan Freeman but that's just me... it'd probably be best to choose someone more iconic like Zac Efron but married and adultish, so more like Brad Pitt or Tom Hanks. Or just go with Robert Downey Jr. if you can. I absolutely adore him. But then again, he might be intimidating and/or just plain frightening in person. Maybe John Cusack? Leonardo DiCaprio? Eh, nevermind, just go for someone famous, cool and preferably somewhat sane since all celebrities are out of their minds. Plus, aim for someone ridiculously attractive.)

3) After you save said celebrity from a near death experience, they'll probably owe you. Big time. So they'll take you out to dinner or whatever. Here's where you really need to make a good impression. You don't need to jump right into father-daughter relationship status yet, but be likeable enough to get invited to do something else with the celebrity you selected. As the two of you grow closer over the course of the summer, the required father-daughter relationship will soon begin to form.

4) On any particular outing with your celebrity, mention how your parents disowned you. Be sure that your celebrity really cares about you at this point, otherwise you'll come across as dangerous and a little intimidating and possibly image damaging. Cry a bit and tell your celebrity about how you messed up. Mention that your parents overreacted, but make it clear you're remorseful, sad, and longing for a Dad. Haha, that rhymes! :)

5) As the summer continues, your celebrity will grow so close to you that he'll want to fill the void in your heart by becoming your father. Since he's wealthy, he'll be able to buy you a house near your old school so to not make you abandon your old friends. And if he doesn't, he'll at least put you in a town/city with a decent school system, preferably not in LA (where knowing a celebrity is less special that knowing one in, say, Nebraska).

6) Don't brag when you get back to school (or start at your new one). No one needs to know who your father if. Granted, if you make new friends and you don't want to lose them you can trust them. And of course, if you're staying at your old school, be sure to keep your old friends by telling them about your summer so they don't feel hurt when they find out by word of mouth. Otherwise, though, no one else can know.

7) No one, that is, but your new best friend, that kid who doesn't seem like she can keep a secret for her life. It's always better to have things spread by rumor rather than by yourself so you don't look like you're bragging.

8) Once word gets out, everyone will want to come over just so they can meet your Dad. But you can't just let them. Then you'll look desperate. No, you must pull the classic I-just-want-friends-who-love-me-for-who-I-am-not-for-who-my-father-is spiel. Now the popular people must work to gain your friendship, which will not only make you feel powerful but also give them the opportunity to get to know you so they don't just use you and then abandon you. They'll see you're actually a nice person and a good friend, not just some guy's daughter.

9) Once the popular crowd starts hanging out with you and you can tell that they actually like you now, introduce them to your fabulous father and let them brag about the awesomeness of meeting him. Keep it exclusive. You're old friends and your popular friends can meet your Dad, but no one else. Otherwise, it's nothing special.

10) Taste the awesomeness of popularity. And then introduce me to your celebrity father as a way of saying, "thanks."

NOTE: The more I think about it, the more I realize most male celebrities are out of their mind insane. Granted, there are crazier females (**cough cough britneyspearsparishiltonkategosselinladygagaandsoonandsoforth cough cough**) but there are some more sane women. If you'd feel more comfortable going for a female celebrity, which are probably more motherly regardless, then go for it. They work just as well if not better. But I don't feel like changing this post title to "Mommy's Girl" or "Mommy's/Daddy's Girl/Boy." Although that last one really captures the real idea of the post. But Basil would kill me because there's no way she could rhyme with that.
So... yeah. The end :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Basil Method 7: Scorned to be Popular

Thanks, JJ, for giving me a small introduction and invitation to write my post (which I am doing diligently this time once again xD). Now, as expected, I feel like JJ's post had a few flaws, such as the ruining the life of your older brother (since my older brother, though nerdy, is one of my favorite people in the entire world). Honestly, I had a different plan in mind, but I couldn't find a title that rhymed (oh, look. Unintentional rhyming...), so I created this new plan in my head, so don't judge me if it sounds absurd.

1. Completely opposite of JJ's beginning, train your brother to be insanely popular when he gets into high school. Have him learn a sense of style and get him involved in every extracurricular that would make him important (sports, school play, etc.). Also, your brother has to love and appreciate you for who you are, regardless of how it will make him look to his peers.

2. On the flip side, my method requires YOU to be a loser (but only in middle school). This loser DOES mean that you have to be a loner by the time you reach high school. Don't worry, it'll play out from there.

3. Freshman year, you won't have any friends in your grade. Good. Now, have your brother introduce you to his awesome upperclassmen friends. Since they don't know the popular freshmen (yet), then they'll be thrilled to know that you're not associated with all the rest of the "stupid freshmen". Also, since your brother basically leads the popular group, they have no choice but to accept you.

4. As the course of highschool always turns out, the popular freshmen will grow close to the popular upperclassmen you've already befriended. Therefore, said freshmen will also grow close to you, since you're basically a popular upperclassman now. This earns you friends from your own grade with a high social status as well.

5. Get into those exclusive parties, chill with the cool kids, yadda yadda yadda.

6. Eventually, your brother will graduate. But who cares? You still have your friends in your own grade, and you can soon find those new freshmen that will eventually take your place as leader of the popular kids.

7. Oh, look. That post above just said you're leader of the popular kids. And you don't even need a dorky brother :D

Friday, April 23, 2010

JJ Method 7: Born to Be Popular

There are some people in this world who were literally destined to be popular. The people with the same exact sense of style as the popular people, the same interests, same hairstyle, same everything, and not a wannabe-fake bone in their body. This method will only work if you're truly born to be popular but just weren't born into adequate circumstances and have a brother who's either 2, 3, 4, or maybe even 5 years older than you, 3 being preferable.

1) Train your older sibling to be a complete loser. Give him glasses and out-dated, poor fitting clothing. Make him super smart and socially awkward. Be sure he fits in well with the nerd community, though. Don't brand him as a loner so he's not destined to kill himself because he's so lonely and sad.

2) When you come into school on the first day, be sure to surround yourself with your freshman friends and look like you really enjoy your life. If the upperclassmen feel like you need to be with them to be popular and happy, they won't let you be with them simply to feel powerful.

3) Be sure to get into electives like chorus, band, art, or whatever your school offers that has multiple grades in it. That way, you'll be flaunting your popularity potential around the popular upperclassmen.

4) Because of your unpopular sibling, people will be watching you, expecting you to be a pathetic loser. They'll be hoping you're an easy target because all upperclassmen need a freshman to pick on. So all eyes will be on you when you wow them with your awesomeness.

5) Don't act like you care that they're impressed with you. However, because you share their interests, you'll be around them all the time, whether it be at basketball or softball practice, cheer tryouts, play rehearsals, club meetings, or whatever it is you guys do. Soon you'll have no choice but to start interacting with these people on a familiar, friendly basis.

6) Start working on cheers/practicing drills/0rganizing projects/whatever you'll be doing with your new popular friends, not overenthusiastically, but like you want to be successful and fun. Soon, your popular freshmen peers will begin to notice you hanging with these upperclassmen and grow curious.

7) Don't gloat! It's no big deal, you're just working on something together.

8) Soon, you'll be invited to high school parties not even the popular freshmen can get into. Make sure they know, but don't be the one to tell them. Now, they've got no choice but to hang out with you, if not to find out what it is you have that they don't.

9) Soon your popular peers will realize that you're just like them and befriend you rather than sabotage you (which may have been their initial plan). Continue to hang out with your older popular friends as well as the new, younger ones.

10) It's pretty clear you're popular, and I actually didn't make you sacrifice anything other than maybe your brother's social status. Your turn, Basil :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Basil Method 6: You're Just Not That Into Him

I love JJ's perspective on this last method. It works, but let's be realistic: who has the kind of money to buy a private island (not to mention a crazy giraffe suit)?? My method retains the boyfriend tactic, but makes it slightly (okay, a lot) cheaper.

1. We'll start out in a similar way as JJ's for this one. Once again, stalk the hot popular guy and catch some blackmail video/pictures while you're at it.

2. Blackmail the guy into pretending to date you, have him fall in love with you, yadda yadda yadda.

3. Ok, so now, BEFORE school starts, make sure that your new boyfriend is SO in love with you that'd he'd stretch the limits and do anything for you and your affection.

4. Right before the first day of school, dump him. It can be gently or harshly, but dump him.

5. Return to school for the new year as your usual unpopular self. However, this time you have a depressed hot popular guy who's willing to do anything to win you back.

6. With all popular guys is that popular girl who's always trying to win him over. Said popular girl will eventually approach you after seeing her "future husband" trying to win you back. Tell the girl that you don't like him that way, and you'll keep rejecting him...so long as she lets you hang out with her friends.

7. Now you have a secured spot in the popular crowd, since your ex-boyfriend is so in love with you that he'll keep trying to win your heart back and you keep rejecting him, earning the appreciation of the popular girl who likes him. As time passes, the popular kids will get to know you for who you are and become great friends with you, regardless of the fact that you're basically blackmailing the one popular girl to be there.

8. FInally, let the guy back into your life and agree to be his girlfriend again. Sure, the popular girl that likes him will hate you now, but it doesn't matter since you're friends with everyone else in the group. So if she turns against you, you now have more friends to back you up.

9. Look at that! You're popular AND you have an insanely hot boyfriend to go with it (not to mention that he's crazy in love with you). Take that, JJ :P

Monday, April 19, 2010

JJ Method 6: He's Just Not That Into You

So as great as the British Trap is, sometimes there just isn't time to prepare for something like that. Luckily, there's other ways to get yourself a decent guy to help you achieve popularity.

1) Spend a week or so in the summer stalking the most popular boy in school (unless you're a guy, in which case the most popular girl). Dig up some dirt and, if possible, capture it on film. Also, discover some of his interests.

2) Soon after the event, approach the popular individual and threaten to expose his secrets to the entire school should he not pretend to date you. Since he cares about his reputation, he'll be forced to oblige.

3) Since you know what his interests are, be sure you capture the essence of every one of them so he soon actually falls in love with you.

4) Come school time, you and this attractive man are inseparable, meaning you have no choice but to hang out with his friends.

5) Buy a private island near Honalulu and offer it to your boyfriend's family while dressing as a giraffe from some ridiculous real estate promotion. The family will be overjoyed and will move to the house as soon as possible. Unfortunately, so will your boyfriend.

6) Help him keep in touch with his friends through you by telling them what he tells you to tell them and making some stuff up from time to time.

7) As you begin to hang out with them more, they'll stop seeing you as "whatshisface's girlfriend" and start seeing you for yourself. Be sure that you also capture the essence of their interests so that they find someone they're compatible with, not some stranger they don't understand.

8) As you grow close to the popular kids, start delivering less and less information from your old boyfriend and start talking more about yourselves.

9) Soon everyone will have forgotten about your previous connection to the group and see you as one of their own.

10) Ohmygoodness, you're popular. Aren't I amazing? :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Basil Method 5: Special (to an Extent)

Agreeing with JJ, class severely sucks. Anyone would do anything to get out of it, but let’s look at this realistically: where do you find the materials to make cutting your own leg off look like an accident? Oh, and you probably don’t want to cut your leg off either. Like my other methods, this will maintain the concept, but just a bit less casualties…and the sustained use of your legs.

1) It seems that my first steps are usually, similar to JJ’s, but I don’t really want to cut off my leg... My first step is to find a friend who has a doctor as a parent…or a doctor you know that’s a good friend or is just amazing in general.

2) Fake a severe leg injury. That’s right, FAKE it. This way, your leg is perfectly fine, yet you get to ride around in a wheelchair as people take pity on you. Have the awesome doctor help you in your plan and fake an x-ray and tell your parents that you are in need of serious surgery and will not be able to walk for quite some time. Schedule your “surgery” for a really long time from the doctor’s appointment, giving you long enough to fake your demented leg.

3) Finally I get to agree with JJ on something. STAY IN AVERAGE CLASSES. The class time you will miss will seriously affect your honors grades, so stick to the easy classes with the popular peeps in em :)

4) You flaunting your injured leg and wheelchair/crutches means you need some help from one-or four- people to get around. Make sure they’re the popular kids, since you want popularity and they want the benefits of leaving class early and getting to class late.

5) Like JJ, look helpless as much as possible. The less enemies, the better. Oh, and at this point, you should have an elevator key for your school since you can't go up and down stairs. Don’t forget that.

6) Now you’ve got the popular kids hanging around with you to miss classes, and they’re warming up to the real you…but oh, no! It’s “surgery” time! Go to the doctor and have that fake cast/brace/whatever removed, so you’re “fully healed” when you return to school.

7) You’re at school but now you have a problem. The popular kids who didn’t know you well enough don’t have any benefits to hanging out with you anymore since you don’t have the wheelchair, right? WRONG. You happen to still have an elevator key that you “forgot” to return to the school administration. The popular kids will still want to ride the elevator (since it’s a pretty cool thing to do), so they’ll continue to hang with you, so long as you have the elevator key.

8) If the administrators find out you never gave back the key and take it away, it should be no problem by now. The popular kids all like you for you, since they’ve gotten a chance to get to know you, so you’re officially popular! If they don’t, well that cool doctor is probably able to help you out when you get “hit by a bus” next week ;)

Monday, April 5, 2010

JJ Method 5: Special Treatment

There's one thing everyone hates: class. And the one thing that can help fix that is a special someone with privileges to undo that. Here's how to utilize such circumstances to help obtain popularity.

1) Cut off your leg over the summer. Do it safely so to contain the blood but near a machine so to stage it as an accident. Otherwise you wind up on suicide watch in a hospital which gets you farther from your ultimate goal.

2) Try to do step one towards the beginning of the vacation, this way you have the rest of the summer to get used to your new handy dandy wheelchair. When it's time for school to start again, you should've mastered your new mode of transportation and should be able to manipulate it just as easily as you used to be able to get around using just your legs.

3) Come school time, the school and the school nurse need to know about your new conditions. This is where you either make it or break it; the defining moment. You need to make sure you don't get put in special needs, special education, or life skills classes. Hopefully, you were enrolled in some honors classes before you began this process or you were at least getting As and Bs in regular standard courses. Fight for your right to stay on the regular classes level utilizing your peers and other resources to get around. Should the school deny you, make a big public deal about it, sue people, and because you'll be on the news all the time, you'll be popular anyway. But let's assume you got your way and you're now in classes with popular students at a regular or honors level.

4) Because of your handicap, you'll usually need another student to help you get from place to place, particularly when you need to go to a class that is up or down the stairs or maybe to the nurse. Due to the obvious fact that teachers will accept you late to class just because of the wheelchair, students will want to help you.

5) The more helpless you look, the better. That way, no one will question you when you show up late to class and, more importantly, no one will make fun of you. This is important because the less enemies you make, the more friends you'll have available to you.

6) The first month should be all about school to prove that putting you in standard classes was the right choice to make. Just let close friends and kindhearted strangers help you get around.

7) By the middle of the first semester, it'll be time to become popular. Rumors are the best way to get the word out so either have yourself or one of the close friends/kindhearted strangers who by now should be your friends spark the chain reaction that is sure to occur when word gets out that you can enable people to be late to class without question because of your injury. Soon, more people will be approaching you to help you out.

8) When the first big english paper is due, look around for popular students stressing because this is going to destroy their average and they just have a thesis. Offer to let them "help you get to class" and spin by the library so they can finish the paper. Meanwhile, you go to the nurse for some sort of pain and get a pass back to class. Go back to the library, pick up said popular student, and go to class with complete papers and at least passing grades. The popular student will feel they owe you something and will try to make it up to you for the duration of the year.

9) Continue helping students with projects and maybe even giving them just a break from the classes no one likes.

10) Check it out... you're chilling with the popular kids. And all you sacrificed for it was your legs. Not a bad deal.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Basil Method 4: Gentle Help

I sincerely apologize to JJ and our imaginary readers for not posting (and writing) this sooner....vacation really makes you forget just about EVERYTHING

Ok, so I see that JJ has a good concept and all, but what if you like your parents? Honestly, her method is just way too violent and I personally would not enjoy having my parents killed. This method combines JJ's basic concepts with a less-violent way to do it :)

1. Same as JJ's method, examine who in the school holds the power of the students. This may be the music teacher, an athletic coach or whoever you may feel is generally liked by the majority of the student body.

2. Once again, grow close to said teacher until they become like a second parent. Also, have the teacher become the best friend of your parents, enough so they would trust him/her with their child (hint hint).

3. This is where JJ's method get's a bit violent, so I've changed it so your parents don't end up dead. Instead of finding a criminal to murder your parents, simply win the lottery and send them on a year-long vacation to the Bahamas, leaving you without a legal guardian for a year. (also, if you attempted Basil Method 1, the "British Oh, Snap!" you have a smexy British boy in your closet at this point as well, of whom you are all alone with...)

4. Go to said teacher and have him/her take you in, since he/she is very close with you parents and is trusted to watch over you for the year your parents are gone.

5. Now we're back on the track to the JJ method, since you now have to complain about living with said teacher to the biggest gossips in school, spreading the word around.

6. People will want to hang around with you to gain the acceptance of the most amazing and spectacularicious teacher in the school.

7. Eventually, the kids mentioned above will see you as a valuable friend, just in time for your parents to arrive back home from the Bahamas.

8.Now, you'll have the respect of a large number of students in the school, as well as alive and breathing parents. Sure, your mortal enemy won't be gone when usuing this method, but you'll have so many great friends that they'll just be irrelevant. Good, no?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

JJ Method 4: Parental Help

As demonstrated by the British Trap, who you have representing you in school makes a big difference as to how people will perceive you. But if you're low on cool, attractive, or even existent older siblings, there's always someone else in the building to rely on: you're parents. This one, though, must be done carefully. Because it can either make you immensely popular or a complete loser. But if you worship these simple steps like they are your god, then consider yourself p-o-p-u-l-a-r. (Also note: If you really enjoy your family, then I don't suggest this method. Also, if you hate blood or death, also avoid it.)

1) Examine your school as a whole. What is something all the popular students are involved in? Is it sports or theater? Or maybe something artistic or musical? Whatever it is, find out what it is and who's in charge of it. This should lead you to that teacher everyone either loves or hates because he either makes their high school experience perfect or makes them want to transfer. That's the only person more powerful than the principal because all the students care about what he says and all the administrators know it.

2) Grow really close to this teacher so that he becomes like a father to you. Make him love you like you're the child he never had.

3) Find someone who's a generally violent and criminal-esque student who is known for hating on you and making your life hard. It must be someone who's been to a juvenile detention center and lives near you. Invite them over for the night for a sleepover and then kill both him and your parents. Use gloves so to leave no fingerprints but be sure to get his all over the knife and dead bodies. Then accuse him of the murder with tears in your eyes. Tell of him killing your parents, lunging for you, and then killing himself. This not only gets you closer to popularity but also eliminates your enemy.

4) Go crying to the teacher mentioned in steps 1 and 2. Tell him you're going to get shipped out of the state to a foster home or something if no one adopts you or takes up guardianship of you. If you've gotten close enough to the teacher, he should opt to adopt or at least take up temporary guardianship because he feels you shouldn't be deprived of a normal childhood.

5) Complain about the awkwardness of living with said teacher to your "close friends." And by close friends, I mean the biggest gossips in school. Tell them not to tell anyone, which of course just tempts them more to tell people. Pretty soon, everyone knows who your dad is.

6) In time, people will come to realize that you having such a powerful dad means that a friendship with you could get them places. More importantly, any tension or awkward fighting between you two will get them stuck nowhere. So even if they don't like you, no one will attack you to your face ever again.

7) Now you get to be obnoxiously outgoing and no one will ever be able to complain. Talk to anyone, no one'll tell you to shut up because of their fear that you'll tell your Dad.

8) Soon the popular kids will realize you actually have something to offer as far as a friendship goes and they will truly accept you. Even those that don't will never speak out.

9) Get to know all the teachers in a family friend way. Now even the students who don't respect your father will respect you if not just so not all of the teachers fail them.

10) Respected, admired, drowning in popular friends... seems to me you're popular.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Basil Method 3: The Camera Hog

The camera. Ah, it's everyone's best friend for any social event they want to brag to everyone else about through the use of pictures on Facebook, Twitter, etc (whatever happened to MySpace?). My method here still utilizes the oh-so-magnificent camera, but I have a different take on it.

1. Find anyone with a camera. This can be someone popular, someone not-so-popular or someone that doesn't even go to your school. You just need a camera.

2. Hang around said person a lot and become friends with them. Since they constantly carry around a camera, you will find yourself included in a barrage of pictures of yourselves, whether it be in the halls, in the caf or in the bathroom mirror.

3. Make sure said photos are ALWAYS posted to Facebook or whatever social networking site the most people visit and you're tagged in them.

4. Continue to take obscene amounts of pictures of yourself and the new friend/friends you have made with their cameras. Also, join in any pictures you weren't originally included in. This will make you seem more outgoing.

5. Now, go out and get the British boy out from your closet/attic/wherever you tried to hide him when you attempted The British "Oh, Snap" and failed because you drifted out of said British boy's life or his older friends all graduated (while he had to stay in your closet, of course).

6. Make the British boy go EVERYWHERE with you, so pictures of the two of you will also end up on Facebook/wherever.

7. Upon seeing the awesomeness of your many pictures (hopefully about 2000+) with your new friends and the British boy, people will naturally flock to you to be in pictures with you and meet your smexy British friend.

8. If people don't flock to you, then get that genie out again and wish for unhumanly gorgeous looks to increase the chance of followers.

9. Still doesn't work? Too bad. After all, YOU chose the Basil Method ;)


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

JJ Method 3: The Camera Smog

Doesn't matter how ugly, nerdy, fat, or just uncool you are. When you're holding a camera, people want to be with you. It's as if you've been coated by the smokey fog of the camera and suddenly, you're the most beautiful girl in the world with unheard of popularity. Now, of course, it's not as simple as holding a camera. You need to play your cards right, and here's how you do that.

1) Purchase a giant, incredibly powerful potato launcher and shoot the school yearbook photographer with several dozen potatoes. Be sure you don't kill her, just put her out of school for a week or so and in a cast for a month. By the time she's healthy again, she'll have been forgotten or replaced and her job is basically over.

2) Purchase one of those nifty expensive cameras like the Nikon D3X or the Olympus E-30. So it'll require a solid hunk of cash, but if it means enough to you, you'll pay. Plus, who knows when you'll need a nice camera?

3) Join the yearbook committee. Take a bunch of pictures by the yearbook room and everywhere else, posting them to Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, and any other social media networking site that I haven't heard of.

4) Act completely shocked when offered the position of yearbook photographer, but take the job as soon as you can so they don't reconsider or replace you.

5) Post this news all over any of the social networking sites you used before, getting the word out.

6) Carry your camera everywhere, taking flattering photos of everyone EXCEPT the popular kids.

7) Watch as they come to you. It would be unfortunate for the yearbook to not feature their faces and they'd rather not lose out on that.

8) Don't take too many pictures with them. Instead, talk with them, laugh with them, and let them get to know you while you take a few pictures a month. Be sure to conform your preferences to theirs so they feel less uncomfortable and more like you belong with them. Hold back any urge to do something they wouldn't do until a year has passed and they've finally accepted you as one of their own.

9) Even after the yearbook is in publication continue taking pictures so they don't realize. It'll become apparent soon that you've grown on them and they'll continue letting you hang out with them regardless of the whereabouts of your very expensive camera.

10) Oh, what's that? You're popular? What a shock.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Basil Method 2: Undetected Stardom

I have to agree with JJ. The drama department can provide one with an excessive amount of popularity if one plays their cards right. For example, doing what she mentioned and becoming amazing at theater, then impressing everyone and being modest about it. Even though that may be the most efficient way, MY version ends with a few more benefits.

1. No preparation is required prior to freshman year. In fact, you can do this even if you severely suck at singing and acting.

2. Either purposely or unknowingly bomb the audition completely. That's right, bomb it. That is, unless, your musical cuts people. Then you'll have to figure out how to be bad, but not bad enough to get cut.

3. The previous step should land you a nice juicy place in the ensemble. Good. This is because the ensemble consists of more people than the leads. As a lead, the ensemble kids basically fear you except for a select few. These select few are the ones that in this method, you must become close with.

4. Spend time joking around with the ensemble members that know the leads. Through these ensemble members, you can get to know the junior and senior leads. However, for this method, knowing the junior leads will be better.

5. Finish the play with several cast friends who have leads or will probably get them next year.

6. Search through your desk drawer until you find the remote from the movie, "Click". Now fast forward to the auditions for the musical next year.

7. This is the audition where you go all out. Blow everyone away by either showing your true voice or using a genie or magical giraffe to get an amazing voice.

8. Snag a semi-good part due to the fantabulous audition.

9. Because of your hard work last year, you've already made friends with the junior leads from last year, who have now become this year's senior leads. Their friends are also yours, and the little freshmen will look up to you due to your semi-awesome role.

10. In the end, this leaves you with a hefty supply of admirers, friends in all grades (due to your ensemble-ing last year) as well as a lack of people who hate you for getting a lead in freshmen year, since you were in the ensemble, as freshmen should be :) Oh, and you have the "Click" remote, too.


JJ Method 2: Unexpected Stardom

The Unexpected Stardom method requires more effort than the British Trap, but takes considerably less time. It also provides one with a stronger sense of self-pride, with popularity derived from their own skill rather than their sibling.

I've only been to one high school in my life, but the one I went to featured a large group of popular people in the drama department, with some of the most popular students at school starring in some of the lead or supporting roles. (Note: I'm a drama-club member myself, though, so just doing the plays doesn't guarantee you immediate popularity.) The school play is an easy way for students to make friends, show-off their talent without becoming "show-offs," and, most importantly, get every student in the school to know they exist. By utilizing this resource, one can achieve great popularity.

Here are some simple steps to help you get ridiculous popularity.

1) Spend the summer after your 8th grade year searching for a magical genie or enchanted giraffe (I personally prefer the latter but I've heard rumors that the first is easier to find). Force it to grant you amazing grace and dance skill as well as acting ability and vocal talent comparable to that of Idina Menzel.

2) On the first day of freshman year, don't say a word to anyone. I'm not telling you to become friendless, just don't talk to your friends during school, or at least not when within earshot of popular students, especially those who interact with the music department.

3) On the day of school play auditions, be sure to go on the day that most students will be there. Everyone will be somewhat intrigued just to hear what your voice sounds like, so you'll have their attention when you begin. That way they'll be captivated by your ah-mazing voice for the audition from start to finish.

4) Go back to being quiet as soon as the audition's over. People are bound to come up to you with oceans of praise. Smile graciously and say "thanks" in the tiniest, timidest voice possible.

5) Act amazed when you wind up with the lead. "What? Oh, this isn't right! I'm glad I'm just in the show!" Be sure to smile humbly and congratulate anyone and everyone who walks by you when you check the cast list.

6) Even during rehearsal, remain quiet and introspective unless you're performing. Eventually, all the other performers in the cast will grow increasingly interested in the quiet kid and begin talking to you.

7) Selectively begin speaking to students, choosing about 2 from each clique and grade so to ensure a wide variety of friends in a vast array of places. These students will be honored that you've chosen them to talk to and will hold you up to a high standard. By word of mouth, you will become popular by expectation.

8) During the performance, be sure to nail everything. Because of the magic giraffe, this shouldn't be a problem.

9) After the cast during the party, be sure to wear pigtails (or two braids) so you look adorable. Give a speech thanking everyone for helping you "come out of your shell" and "meet new people." Say you were "going through some hard stuff" at the beginning of the year, but thanks to everyone's support in the theater community, you've had a change of heart and have been inspired. Everyone will be so touched by the way they've touched you (yeah, people are selfish like that, it's how the human brain works) that they'll start spending time with you regardless of the rehearsal schedule.

10) Enjoy being popular. I know, I've done it again. Feel free to worship me.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Basil Method 1: The British "Oh, Snap!"

JJ's method cleverly combines the yummilicious British accent with the older sibling prescence, but I find that my method is much more satisfying (at least to me), as well as just as fulfilling.

1. Like JJ's plan, find and adopt an extremely smexy British boy around the age of 16. However, he does not need to love and worship you...yet.

2. Once again, make sure he's enrolled in a variety of junior/senior classes.

3. Again, like JJ's method, make sure to hang with him a lot to make it clear that he's your new adopted smexy British brother.

4. Here's where it gets different. Behind his back, convince your parents that your new brother doesn't belong or that he's abusing you or something. They will then abandon him and leave him on the streets, disowning him.

5. Find the British boy on the streets, and offer to take him in, since he trusts you after your bonding time when he was your brother.

6. Hide the British boy in your closet/attic/wherever your parents never go. However, keep him enrolled in school.

7. Continue to hang out with the British boy at school.

8. Aquire a genie.

9. Wish for everlasting popularity, a new wardrobe and unlimited wishes (in the event that the latter may not be possible, wish for something like world peace or that magical giraffe)

10. Now, not only are you exceedingly popular, but you now have a smexy single British guy living in your closet (that you can date since he's not your brother anymore) as well as a genie.

How's that for a plan?


JJ Method 1: The British Trap

The classic "British Trap" combines the two most important aspects of popularity, creating a simple and easy way to get on top. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about a deliciously cool older sibling and a deliciously british accent. It meshes the easiest way to get your name out there with the most attractive feature any guy can have.
The English Trap is fool-proof if you follow these few easy steps.

1) Visit all the British foster homes, abandoned alleys, and orphanages to find a hot 16-year-old british boy with the most amazing accent ever who looks great with no shirt on.

2) Adopt this British boy out of the kindness of your heart. Be sure to make it clear it was your idea, that way he'll love you and worship you for saving him from a scary and boring life of british orphanages/abandoned alleys/foster homes.

3) Do a bit of stalking and figure out what courses the majority of the popular juniors and seniors are taking. This way, you can be sure that you recommend your popular british brother (who I'm going to start calling Henry now because that sounds like a delicious British name) for all those classes. Because there's no language barrier, he should soon get approved.

4) While Henry's making new friends, be sure to check in with him constantly. Aim to have the same lunch period so you two can spend some time together everyday.

5) Soon, the popular children will notice this single (meaning not dating and therefore totally available) piece of British awesomeness and start hanging out with him. Because he's your brother, you will in turn share the spotlight with Henry (considering he practically owes you his life since you saved him and brought him here).

6) As he grows closer to other students and becomes more involved in the school (I suggest recommending he try out for football or basketball), he should start bringing friends home. Be sure to take note of his schedule so you'll always "coincidentally" be at the house when the friends visit.

7) In two years, Henry has now gone to college. However, the popular upperclassmen have gotten to know you a lot better. Try to be in one of their electives and sit down next to them. Then watch in awe as they begin to talk to you.

8) Revel in the awesomeness of your popularity.

9) Don't get comfortable and fall into just this group of friends. Remember, these students are probably a year older than you and if you don't socialize with your peers, you'll wind up lonely senior year. Continue to branch out to more groups of people. Because everyone sees you with the popular upperclassmen, they'll approach you with friendly and sociable expectations, which they'll assume you meet (even if you don't).

10) Say thanks to me for making your life awesome and enjoy popularity. It's fun to be on top.

An Introduction?

Hello JJ and you readers out there. My name is not JJ, it is Basil (ok, not really...that's just to keep my name classified as well). Upon hearing of this blog, I immediately became interested and wished to become involved. Therefore, with the permission of JJ, I'll be posting MY ways to become popular, using certain select aspects of the methods already written. These methods may or may not be 100% do-able, but they'd most likely work nonetheless if anyone could pull them off. Alas, I bid you farewell for a few seconds, as I write my first official post.


Popularity: Defined

Before I get started, I need to make clear how I define popularity. It's not something only prissy shallow losers have. It's not something great people have. It's not something your born with or something that makes you evil. People are people are people are people, popular people are still people. Tall people aren't hated for being tall, popular people should treated as such. Still, though, short people will hate tall people for having what they don't. And other tall people will hate tall people simply because no one person is liked by everyone.

So who are the popular people? They're people. Their popularity doesn't make them the bad guys nor does it make them the heros. That's all a matter of perspective. So if you're looking for a guide to be the world's greatest person or instructions that'll help you become a jerk (why you'd want that is beyond me, though) then look someplace else. I won't tell you to become manipulative or permanently compromise your beliefs (that might come up in the instructions from time to time but that's not the main goal of each of these posts).  My goal is to help you become liked and admired by a majority of people.  To make you powerful and influential over your peers.  It'll be a wild ride to the top, but if you're willing to hang on, you won't lose yourself in the crazy pursuit of the thing we all want: popularity.

The Plan

So, my name is JJ [classified... sorry, internet stalkers scare me] and I am the world's biggest nerd. Well, no, not the biggest. I don't sit around reading textbooks and simplifying quadratic equations. Moreover, I'm not obsessed with Star Trek or Star Wars or any other science fiction series that begins with "Star" (I'm more of a Degrassi/What I Like About You/Make It Or Break It kind of person).
You know what I am? I'm the nerdiest cheerleader the world has ever seen. That's how I'll describe myself. I accidentally became a cheerleader. So I'm not ugly or uncoordinated or even socially awkward (well, maybe a little but aren't we all?). I just wasn't born "popular." Not that popularity is something you're born with, but I was never interested in being popular.  But now that I'm a cheerleader, I've been exposed to lots of popularity.  And after careful examination, I've discovered what makes someone popular, or at least to a degree. It's a rare blend of many components, the key ones being an older sibling, a camera with unlimited memory space, and a natural air of awesomeness.  But there are no requirements, it's very much based on circumstance.
It's not just the nice people or the stupid people or the pretty people or even the people with the most friends (yeah, I have as many friends as the popular people... I'm telling you, I'm not socially awkward, just a nerd). It's not whether or not you're in all honors classes or not (my honors bio class is a mixture of Varsity cheerleaders, that guy who just studies all day, myself, and the girl who goes to parties every weekend). It's really about what's most important to you, how you go about showing it, and who you have behind you.
So this is my blog. For the next 101 days (or at least 101 posts, I'm not committing to everyday), I plan to write one of the various ways to get up on top. They'll probably all be ridiculous and not quite manageable, but they'll all be true and plausible rather than the bitter nerd's typical reasoning, "sell you soul."  Good luck on your journey to popularity.
And enjoy :)