Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Basil Method 4: Gentle Help

I sincerely apologize to JJ and our imaginary readers for not posting (and writing) this sooner....vacation really makes you forget just about EVERYTHING

Ok, so I see that JJ has a good concept and all, but what if you like your parents? Honestly, her method is just way too violent and I personally would not enjoy having my parents killed. This method combines JJ's basic concepts with a less-violent way to do it :)

1. Same as JJ's method, examine who in the school holds the power of the students. This may be the music teacher, an athletic coach or whoever you may feel is generally liked by the majority of the student body.

2. Once again, grow close to said teacher until they become like a second parent. Also, have the teacher become the best friend of your parents, enough so they would trust him/her with their child (hint hint).

3. This is where JJ's method get's a bit violent, so I've changed it so your parents don't end up dead. Instead of finding a criminal to murder your parents, simply win the lottery and send them on a year-long vacation to the Bahamas, leaving you without a legal guardian for a year. (also, if you attempted Basil Method 1, the "British Oh, Snap!" you have a smexy British boy in your closet at this point as well, of whom you are all alone with...)

4. Go to said teacher and have him/her take you in, since he/she is very close with you parents and is trusted to watch over you for the year your parents are gone.

5. Now we're back on the track to the JJ method, since you now have to complain about living with said teacher to the biggest gossips in school, spreading the word around.

6. People will want to hang around with you to gain the acceptance of the most amazing and spectacularicious teacher in the school.

7. Eventually, the kids mentioned above will see you as a valuable friend, just in time for your parents to arrive back home from the Bahamas.

8.Now, you'll have the respect of a large number of students in the school, as well as alive and breathing parents. Sure, your mortal enemy won't be gone when usuing this method, but you'll have so many great friends that they'll just be irrelevant. Good, no?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

JJ Method 4: Parental Help

As demonstrated by the British Trap, who you have representing you in school makes a big difference as to how people will perceive you. But if you're low on cool, attractive, or even existent older siblings, there's always someone else in the building to rely on: you're parents. This one, though, must be done carefully. Because it can either make you immensely popular or a complete loser. But if you worship these simple steps like they are your god, then consider yourself p-o-p-u-l-a-r. (Also note: If you really enjoy your family, then I don't suggest this method. Also, if you hate blood or death, also avoid it.)

1) Examine your school as a whole. What is something all the popular students are involved in? Is it sports or theater? Or maybe something artistic or musical? Whatever it is, find out what it is and who's in charge of it. This should lead you to that teacher everyone either loves or hates because he either makes their high school experience perfect or makes them want to transfer. That's the only person more powerful than the principal because all the students care about what he says and all the administrators know it.

2) Grow really close to this teacher so that he becomes like a father to you. Make him love you like you're the child he never had.

3) Find someone who's a generally violent and criminal-esque student who is known for hating on you and making your life hard. It must be someone who's been to a juvenile detention center and lives near you. Invite them over for the night for a sleepover and then kill both him and your parents. Use gloves so to leave no fingerprints but be sure to get his all over the knife and dead bodies. Then accuse him of the murder with tears in your eyes. Tell of him killing your parents, lunging for you, and then killing himself. This not only gets you closer to popularity but also eliminates your enemy.

4) Go crying to the teacher mentioned in steps 1 and 2. Tell him you're going to get shipped out of the state to a foster home or something if no one adopts you or takes up guardianship of you. If you've gotten close enough to the teacher, he should opt to adopt or at least take up temporary guardianship because he feels you shouldn't be deprived of a normal childhood.

5) Complain about the awkwardness of living with said teacher to your "close friends." And by close friends, I mean the biggest gossips in school. Tell them not to tell anyone, which of course just tempts them more to tell people. Pretty soon, everyone knows who your dad is.

6) In time, people will come to realize that you having such a powerful dad means that a friendship with you could get them places. More importantly, any tension or awkward fighting between you two will get them stuck nowhere. So even if they don't like you, no one will attack you to your face ever again.

7) Now you get to be obnoxiously outgoing and no one will ever be able to complain. Talk to anyone, no one'll tell you to shut up because of their fear that you'll tell your Dad.

8) Soon the popular kids will realize you actually have something to offer as far as a friendship goes and they will truly accept you. Even those that don't will never speak out.

9) Get to know all the teachers in a family friend way. Now even the students who don't respect your father will respect you if not just so not all of the teachers fail them.

10) Respected, admired, drowning in popular friends... seems to me you're popular.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Basil Method 3: The Camera Hog

The camera. Ah, it's everyone's best friend for any social event they want to brag to everyone else about through the use of pictures on Facebook, Twitter, etc (whatever happened to MySpace?). My method here still utilizes the oh-so-magnificent camera, but I have a different take on it.

1. Find anyone with a camera. This can be someone popular, someone not-so-popular or someone that doesn't even go to your school. You just need a camera.

2. Hang around said person a lot and become friends with them. Since they constantly carry around a camera, you will find yourself included in a barrage of pictures of yourselves, whether it be in the halls, in the caf or in the bathroom mirror.

3. Make sure said photos are ALWAYS posted to Facebook or whatever social networking site the most people visit and you're tagged in them.

4. Continue to take obscene amounts of pictures of yourself and the new friend/friends you have made with their cameras. Also, join in any pictures you weren't originally included in. This will make you seem more outgoing.

5. Now, go out and get the British boy out from your closet/attic/wherever you tried to hide him when you attempted The British "Oh, Snap" and failed because you drifted out of said British boy's life or his older friends all graduated (while he had to stay in your closet, of course).

6. Make the British boy go EVERYWHERE with you, so pictures of the two of you will also end up on Facebook/wherever.

7. Upon seeing the awesomeness of your many pictures (hopefully about 2000+) with your new friends and the British boy, people will naturally flock to you to be in pictures with you and meet your smexy British friend.

8. If people don't flock to you, then get that genie out again and wish for unhumanly gorgeous looks to increase the chance of followers.

9. Still doesn't work? Too bad. After all, YOU chose the Basil Method ;)


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

JJ Method 3: The Camera Smog

Doesn't matter how ugly, nerdy, fat, or just uncool you are. When you're holding a camera, people want to be with you. It's as if you've been coated by the smokey fog of the camera and suddenly, you're the most beautiful girl in the world with unheard of popularity. Now, of course, it's not as simple as holding a camera. You need to play your cards right, and here's how you do that.

1) Purchase a giant, incredibly powerful potato launcher and shoot the school yearbook photographer with several dozen potatoes. Be sure you don't kill her, just put her out of school for a week or so and in a cast for a month. By the time she's healthy again, she'll have been forgotten or replaced and her job is basically over.

2) Purchase one of those nifty expensive cameras like the Nikon D3X or the Olympus E-30. So it'll require a solid hunk of cash, but if it means enough to you, you'll pay. Plus, who knows when you'll need a nice camera?

3) Join the yearbook committee. Take a bunch of pictures by the yearbook room and everywhere else, posting them to Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, and any other social media networking site that I haven't heard of.

4) Act completely shocked when offered the position of yearbook photographer, but take the job as soon as you can so they don't reconsider or replace you.

5) Post this news all over any of the social networking sites you used before, getting the word out.

6) Carry your camera everywhere, taking flattering photos of everyone EXCEPT the popular kids.

7) Watch as they come to you. It would be unfortunate for the yearbook to not feature their faces and they'd rather not lose out on that.

8) Don't take too many pictures with them. Instead, talk with them, laugh with them, and let them get to know you while you take a few pictures a month. Be sure to conform your preferences to theirs so they feel less uncomfortable and more like you belong with them. Hold back any urge to do something they wouldn't do until a year has passed and they've finally accepted you as one of their own.

9) Even after the yearbook is in publication continue taking pictures so they don't realize. It'll become apparent soon that you've grown on them and they'll continue letting you hang out with them regardless of the whereabouts of your very expensive camera.

10) Oh, what's that? You're popular? What a shock.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Basil Method 2: Undetected Stardom

I have to agree with JJ. The drama department can provide one with an excessive amount of popularity if one plays their cards right. For example, doing what she mentioned and becoming amazing at theater, then impressing everyone and being modest about it. Even though that may be the most efficient way, MY version ends with a few more benefits.

1. No preparation is required prior to freshman year. In fact, you can do this even if you severely suck at singing and acting.

2. Either purposely or unknowingly bomb the audition completely. That's right, bomb it. That is, unless, your musical cuts people. Then you'll have to figure out how to be bad, but not bad enough to get cut.

3. The previous step should land you a nice juicy place in the ensemble. Good. This is because the ensemble consists of more people than the leads. As a lead, the ensemble kids basically fear you except for a select few. These select few are the ones that in this method, you must become close with.

4. Spend time joking around with the ensemble members that know the leads. Through these ensemble members, you can get to know the junior and senior leads. However, for this method, knowing the junior leads will be better.

5. Finish the play with several cast friends who have leads or will probably get them next year.

6. Search through your desk drawer until you find the remote from the movie, "Click". Now fast forward to the auditions for the musical next year.

7. This is the audition where you go all out. Blow everyone away by either showing your true voice or using a genie or magical giraffe to get an amazing voice.

8. Snag a semi-good part due to the fantabulous audition.

9. Because of your hard work last year, you've already made friends with the junior leads from last year, who have now become this year's senior leads. Their friends are also yours, and the little freshmen will look up to you due to your semi-awesome role.

10. In the end, this leaves you with a hefty supply of admirers, friends in all grades (due to your ensemble-ing last year) as well as a lack of people who hate you for getting a lead in freshmen year, since you were in the ensemble, as freshmen should be :) Oh, and you have the "Click" remote, too.


JJ Method 2: Unexpected Stardom

The Unexpected Stardom method requires more effort than the British Trap, but takes considerably less time. It also provides one with a stronger sense of self-pride, with popularity derived from their own skill rather than their sibling.

I've only been to one high school in my life, but the one I went to featured a large group of popular people in the drama department, with some of the most popular students at school starring in some of the lead or supporting roles. (Note: I'm a drama-club member myself, though, so just doing the plays doesn't guarantee you immediate popularity.) The school play is an easy way for students to make friends, show-off their talent without becoming "show-offs," and, most importantly, get every student in the school to know they exist. By utilizing this resource, one can achieve great popularity.

Here are some simple steps to help you get ridiculous popularity.

1) Spend the summer after your 8th grade year searching for a magical genie or enchanted giraffe (I personally prefer the latter but I've heard rumors that the first is easier to find). Force it to grant you amazing grace and dance skill as well as acting ability and vocal talent comparable to that of Idina Menzel.

2) On the first day of freshman year, don't say a word to anyone. I'm not telling you to become friendless, just don't talk to your friends during school, or at least not when within earshot of popular students, especially those who interact with the music department.

3) On the day of school play auditions, be sure to go on the day that most students will be there. Everyone will be somewhat intrigued just to hear what your voice sounds like, so you'll have their attention when you begin. That way they'll be captivated by your ah-mazing voice for the audition from start to finish.

4) Go back to being quiet as soon as the audition's over. People are bound to come up to you with oceans of praise. Smile graciously and say "thanks" in the tiniest, timidest voice possible.

5) Act amazed when you wind up with the lead. "What? Oh, this isn't right! I'm glad I'm just in the show!" Be sure to smile humbly and congratulate anyone and everyone who walks by you when you check the cast list.

6) Even during rehearsal, remain quiet and introspective unless you're performing. Eventually, all the other performers in the cast will grow increasingly interested in the quiet kid and begin talking to you.

7) Selectively begin speaking to students, choosing about 2 from each clique and grade so to ensure a wide variety of friends in a vast array of places. These students will be honored that you've chosen them to talk to and will hold you up to a high standard. By word of mouth, you will become popular by expectation.

8) During the performance, be sure to nail everything. Because of the magic giraffe, this shouldn't be a problem.

9) After the cast during the party, be sure to wear pigtails (or two braids) so you look adorable. Give a speech thanking everyone for helping you "come out of your shell" and "meet new people." Say you were "going through some hard stuff" at the beginning of the year, but thanks to everyone's support in the theater community, you've had a change of heart and have been inspired. Everyone will be so touched by the way they've touched you (yeah, people are selfish like that, it's how the human brain works) that they'll start spending time with you regardless of the rehearsal schedule.

10) Enjoy being popular. I know, I've done it again. Feel free to worship me.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Basil Method 1: The British "Oh, Snap!"

JJ's method cleverly combines the yummilicious British accent with the older sibling prescence, but I find that my method is much more satisfying (at least to me), as well as just as fulfilling.

1. Like JJ's plan, find and adopt an extremely smexy British boy around the age of 16. However, he does not need to love and worship you...yet.

2. Once again, make sure he's enrolled in a variety of junior/senior classes.

3. Again, like JJ's method, make sure to hang with him a lot to make it clear that he's your new adopted smexy British brother.

4. Here's where it gets different. Behind his back, convince your parents that your new brother doesn't belong or that he's abusing you or something. They will then abandon him and leave him on the streets, disowning him.

5. Find the British boy on the streets, and offer to take him in, since he trusts you after your bonding time when he was your brother.

6. Hide the British boy in your closet/attic/wherever your parents never go. However, keep him enrolled in school.

7. Continue to hang out with the British boy at school.

8. Aquire a genie.

9. Wish for everlasting popularity, a new wardrobe and unlimited wishes (in the event that the latter may not be possible, wish for something like world peace or that magical giraffe)

10. Now, not only are you exceedingly popular, but you now have a smexy single British guy living in your closet (that you can date since he's not your brother anymore) as well as a genie.

How's that for a plan?


JJ Method 1: The British Trap

The classic "British Trap" combines the two most important aspects of popularity, creating a simple and easy way to get on top. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about a deliciously cool older sibling and a deliciously british accent. It meshes the easiest way to get your name out there with the most attractive feature any guy can have.
The English Trap is fool-proof if you follow these few easy steps.

1) Visit all the British foster homes, abandoned alleys, and orphanages to find a hot 16-year-old british boy with the most amazing accent ever who looks great with no shirt on.

2) Adopt this British boy out of the kindness of your heart. Be sure to make it clear it was your idea, that way he'll love you and worship you for saving him from a scary and boring life of british orphanages/abandoned alleys/foster homes.

3) Do a bit of stalking and figure out what courses the majority of the popular juniors and seniors are taking. This way, you can be sure that you recommend your popular british brother (who I'm going to start calling Henry now because that sounds like a delicious British name) for all those classes. Because there's no language barrier, he should soon get approved.

4) While Henry's making new friends, be sure to check in with him constantly. Aim to have the same lunch period so you two can spend some time together everyday.

5) Soon, the popular children will notice this single (meaning not dating and therefore totally available) piece of British awesomeness and start hanging out with him. Because he's your brother, you will in turn share the spotlight with Henry (considering he practically owes you his life since you saved him and brought him here).

6) As he grows closer to other students and becomes more involved in the school (I suggest recommending he try out for football or basketball), he should start bringing friends home. Be sure to take note of his schedule so you'll always "coincidentally" be at the house when the friends visit.

7) In two years, Henry has now gone to college. However, the popular upperclassmen have gotten to know you a lot better. Try to be in one of their electives and sit down next to them. Then watch in awe as they begin to talk to you.

8) Revel in the awesomeness of your popularity.

9) Don't get comfortable and fall into just this group of friends. Remember, these students are probably a year older than you and if you don't socialize with your peers, you'll wind up lonely senior year. Continue to branch out to more groups of people. Because everyone sees you with the popular upperclassmen, they'll approach you with friendly and sociable expectations, which they'll assume you meet (even if you don't).

10) Say thanks to me for making your life awesome and enjoy popularity. It's fun to be on top.

An Introduction?

Hello JJ and you readers out there. My name is not JJ, it is Basil (ok, not really...that's just to keep my name classified as well). Upon hearing of this blog, I immediately became interested and wished to become involved. Therefore, with the permission of JJ, I'll be posting MY ways to become popular, using certain select aspects of the methods already written. These methods may or may not be 100% do-able, but they'd most likely work nonetheless if anyone could pull them off. Alas, I bid you farewell for a few seconds, as I write my first official post.


Popularity: Defined

Before I get started, I need to make clear how I define popularity. It's not something only prissy shallow losers have. It's not something great people have. It's not something your born with or something that makes you evil. People are people are people are people, popular people are still people. Tall people aren't hated for being tall, popular people should treated as such. Still, though, short people will hate tall people for having what they don't. And other tall people will hate tall people simply because no one person is liked by everyone.

So who are the popular people? They're people. Their popularity doesn't make them the bad guys nor does it make them the heros. That's all a matter of perspective. So if you're looking for a guide to be the world's greatest person or instructions that'll help you become a jerk (why you'd want that is beyond me, though) then look someplace else. I won't tell you to become manipulative or permanently compromise your beliefs (that might come up in the instructions from time to time but that's not the main goal of each of these posts).  My goal is to help you become liked and admired by a majority of people.  To make you powerful and influential over your peers.  It'll be a wild ride to the top, but if you're willing to hang on, you won't lose yourself in the crazy pursuit of the thing we all want: popularity.

The Plan

So, my name is JJ [classified... sorry, internet stalkers scare me] and I am the world's biggest nerd. Well, no, not the biggest. I don't sit around reading textbooks and simplifying quadratic equations. Moreover, I'm not obsessed with Star Trek or Star Wars or any other science fiction series that begins with "Star" (I'm more of a Degrassi/What I Like About You/Make It Or Break It kind of person).
You know what I am? I'm the nerdiest cheerleader the world has ever seen. That's how I'll describe myself. I accidentally became a cheerleader. So I'm not ugly or uncoordinated or even socially awkward (well, maybe a little but aren't we all?). I just wasn't born "popular." Not that popularity is something you're born with, but I was never interested in being popular.  But now that I'm a cheerleader, I've been exposed to lots of popularity.  And after careful examination, I've discovered what makes someone popular, or at least to a degree. It's a rare blend of many components, the key ones being an older sibling, a camera with unlimited memory space, and a natural air of awesomeness.  But there are no requirements, it's very much based on circumstance.
It's not just the nice people or the stupid people or the pretty people or even the people with the most friends (yeah, I have as many friends as the popular people... I'm telling you, I'm not socially awkward, just a nerd). It's not whether or not you're in all honors classes or not (my honors bio class is a mixture of Varsity cheerleaders, that guy who just studies all day, myself, and the girl who goes to parties every weekend). It's really about what's most important to you, how you go about showing it, and who you have behind you.
So this is my blog. For the next 101 days (or at least 101 posts, I'm not committing to everyday), I plan to write one of the various ways to get up on top. They'll probably all be ridiculous and not quite manageable, but they'll all be true and plausible rather than the bitter nerd's typical reasoning, "sell you soul."  Good luck on your journey to popularity.
And enjoy :)