Wednesday, November 9, 2011

JJ Method 9: Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Oh My!

It's been awhile since I offered you some much needed advice on how to become popular, so I'm a bit out of practice. But something most popular people I know have in common is pets. It's not a coincidence; owning and raising a pet is a social status symbol - you can afford all that food and have time to spare. So why not become popular with the greatest pet imaginable? This method will is great if you have access to the resources required, because it required minimal sacrifice and all the benefits of any other method.

1) Have your family buy a local zoo.

2) Spend your evenings after school building a meaningful relationship with a panda bear. There are probably more helpful webpages than this one for that step; I unfortunately have never had the privilege of meeting a panda bear, let alone building a relationship with one. If you can't find a zoo keeper or professional who is willing to help you, watch a movie about a dolphin or a whale and a young child (because there's a bizarre abundance of those) and then just try to do something like that.

3) Become so comfortable with your panda that you can ride it around the zoo after hours.

4) One night, take the panda bear to your house and hide it in the backyard.

5) Ride your panda to school the next day. Everyone will be really confused and shocked that someone like you has a panda. Because your popular classmates are humans, their curiosity is inevitable, and you will undoubtably have people asking you if they can see your panda.

6) Explain that the panda is part of the zoo and therefore you have to take it home right after school or else you'll be breaking the law. This will not only force the popular people to get to know you by coming home with you to meet the panda, but it will also hopefully confuse your school administrators and they won't realize that it's illegal to domesticate a panda and they'll leave you alone.

7) Bring a small group of popular people to the zoo to meet your panda (be sure to have given it some sort of cute name by this point, like "Peter" or "Penelope"). Tell them your panda really likes them and talk about how good they are with animals so they feel special.

8) Soon the popular people will be coming over for you AND the panda. In no time, you won't even have to go into the zoo to get them to hang out with you.

9) I do believe you're popular. You're welcome.