Monday, April 5, 2010

JJ Method 5: Special Treatment

There's one thing everyone hates: class. And the one thing that can help fix that is a special someone with privileges to undo that. Here's how to utilize such circumstances to help obtain popularity.

1) Cut off your leg over the summer. Do it safely so to contain the blood but near a machine so to stage it as an accident. Otherwise you wind up on suicide watch in a hospital which gets you farther from your ultimate goal.

2) Try to do step one towards the beginning of the vacation, this way you have the rest of the summer to get used to your new handy dandy wheelchair. When it's time for school to start again, you should've mastered your new mode of transportation and should be able to manipulate it just as easily as you used to be able to get around using just your legs.

3) Come school time, the school and the school nurse need to know about your new conditions. This is where you either make it or break it; the defining moment. You need to make sure you don't get put in special needs, special education, or life skills classes. Hopefully, you were enrolled in some honors classes before you began this process or you were at least getting As and Bs in regular standard courses. Fight for your right to stay on the regular classes level utilizing your peers and other resources to get around. Should the school deny you, make a big public deal about it, sue people, and because you'll be on the news all the time, you'll be popular anyway. But let's assume you got your way and you're now in classes with popular students at a regular or honors level.

4) Because of your handicap, you'll usually need another student to help you get from place to place, particularly when you need to go to a class that is up or down the stairs or maybe to the nurse. Due to the obvious fact that teachers will accept you late to class just because of the wheelchair, students will want to help you.

5) The more helpless you look, the better. That way, no one will question you when you show up late to class and, more importantly, no one will make fun of you. This is important because the less enemies you make, the more friends you'll have available to you.

6) The first month should be all about school to prove that putting you in standard classes was the right choice to make. Just let close friends and kindhearted strangers help you get around.

7) By the middle of the first semester, it'll be time to become popular. Rumors are the best way to get the word out so either have yourself or one of the close friends/kindhearted strangers who by now should be your friends spark the chain reaction that is sure to occur when word gets out that you can enable people to be late to class without question because of your injury. Soon, more people will be approaching you to help you out.

8) When the first big english paper is due, look around for popular students stressing because this is going to destroy their average and they just have a thesis. Offer to let them "help you get to class" and spin by the library so they can finish the paper. Meanwhile, you go to the nurse for some sort of pain and get a pass back to class. Go back to the library, pick up said popular student, and go to class with complete papers and at least passing grades. The popular student will feel they owe you something and will try to make it up to you for the duration of the year.

9) Continue helping students with projects and maybe even giving them just a break from the classes no one likes.

10) Check it out... you're chilling with the popular kids. And all you sacrificed for it was your legs. Not a bad deal.

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