Friday, April 30, 2010

JJ Method 8: Daddy's Girl

This one's hard to pull off, but if you manage to, it's fool-proof.

1) Do something awful to get your parents to disown you. But don't go crazy. Just something they'd hate, not something the police force and/or government could potentially hate. This way, you're not a criminal, orphan, or murderer, you just don't have a legal guardian.

2) Run off to LA for the summer. Stage a scene in which some celebrity could potentially die but jump in at the last second to save their life. Be sure you don't get too creative, though. Make it so that you can easily save them without putting your life in too much danger. And although I assume this is self-explanatory, I'll clarify regardless: Don't make it look like the incident was caused by you, just prevented by you. Otherwise, you're a criminal. And that's not what we want to accomplish.
(Also, Celebrity-wise, I'd say Robert Downey Jr., James Marsden, or Morgan Freeman but that's just me... it'd probably be best to choose someone more iconic like Zac Efron but married and adultish, so more like Brad Pitt or Tom Hanks. Or just go with Robert Downey Jr. if you can. I absolutely adore him. But then again, he might be intimidating and/or just plain frightening in person. Maybe John Cusack? Leonardo DiCaprio? Eh, nevermind, just go for someone famous, cool and preferably somewhat sane since all celebrities are out of their minds. Plus, aim for someone ridiculously attractive.)

3) After you save said celebrity from a near death experience, they'll probably owe you. Big time. So they'll take you out to dinner or whatever. Here's where you really need to make a good impression. You don't need to jump right into father-daughter relationship status yet, but be likeable enough to get invited to do something else with the celebrity you selected. As the two of you grow closer over the course of the summer, the required father-daughter relationship will soon begin to form.

4) On any particular outing with your celebrity, mention how your parents disowned you. Be sure that your celebrity really cares about you at this point, otherwise you'll come across as dangerous and a little intimidating and possibly image damaging. Cry a bit and tell your celebrity about how you messed up. Mention that your parents overreacted, but make it clear you're remorseful, sad, and longing for a Dad. Haha, that rhymes! :)

5) As the summer continues, your celebrity will grow so close to you that he'll want to fill the void in your heart by becoming your father. Since he's wealthy, he'll be able to buy you a house near your old school so to not make you abandon your old friends. And if he doesn't, he'll at least put you in a town/city with a decent school system, preferably not in LA (where knowing a celebrity is less special that knowing one in, say, Nebraska).

6) Don't brag when you get back to school (or start at your new one). No one needs to know who your father if. Granted, if you make new friends and you don't want to lose them you can trust them. And of course, if you're staying at your old school, be sure to keep your old friends by telling them about your summer so they don't feel hurt when they find out by word of mouth. Otherwise, though, no one else can know.

7) No one, that is, but your new best friend, that kid who doesn't seem like she can keep a secret for her life. It's always better to have things spread by rumor rather than by yourself so you don't look like you're bragging.

8) Once word gets out, everyone will want to come over just so they can meet your Dad. But you can't just let them. Then you'll look desperate. No, you must pull the classic I-just-want-friends-who-love-me-for-who-I-am-not-for-who-my-father-is spiel. Now the popular people must work to gain your friendship, which will not only make you feel powerful but also give them the opportunity to get to know you so they don't just use you and then abandon you. They'll see you're actually a nice person and a good friend, not just some guy's daughter.

9) Once the popular crowd starts hanging out with you and you can tell that they actually like you now, introduce them to your fabulous father and let them brag about the awesomeness of meeting him. Keep it exclusive. You're old friends and your popular friends can meet your Dad, but no one else. Otherwise, it's nothing special.

10) Taste the awesomeness of popularity. And then introduce me to your celebrity father as a way of saying, "thanks."

NOTE: The more I think about it, the more I realize most male celebrities are out of their mind insane. Granted, there are crazier females (**cough cough britneyspearsparishiltonkategosselinladygagaandsoonandsoforth cough cough**) but there are some more sane women. If you'd feel more comfortable going for a female celebrity, which are probably more motherly regardless, then go for it. They work just as well if not better. But I don't feel like changing this post title to "Mommy's Girl" or "Mommy's/Daddy's Girl/Boy." Although that last one really captures the real idea of the post. But Basil would kill me because there's no way she could rhyme with that.
So... yeah. The end :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Basil Method 7: Scorned to be Popular

Thanks, JJ, for giving me a small introduction and invitation to write my post (which I am doing diligently this time once again xD). Now, as expected, I feel like JJ's post had a few flaws, such as the ruining the life of your older brother (since my older brother, though nerdy, is one of my favorite people in the entire world). Honestly, I had a different plan in mind, but I couldn't find a title that rhymed (oh, look. Unintentional rhyming...), so I created this new plan in my head, so don't judge me if it sounds absurd.

1. Completely opposite of JJ's beginning, train your brother to be insanely popular when he gets into high school. Have him learn a sense of style and get him involved in every extracurricular that would make him important (sports, school play, etc.). Also, your brother has to love and appreciate you for who you are, regardless of how it will make him look to his peers.

2. On the flip side, my method requires YOU to be a loser (but only in middle school). This loser DOES mean that you have to be a loner by the time you reach high school. Don't worry, it'll play out from there.

3. Freshman year, you won't have any friends in your grade. Good. Now, have your brother introduce you to his awesome upperclassmen friends. Since they don't know the popular freshmen (yet), then they'll be thrilled to know that you're not associated with all the rest of the "stupid freshmen". Also, since your brother basically leads the popular group, they have no choice but to accept you.

4. As the course of highschool always turns out, the popular freshmen will grow close to the popular upperclassmen you've already befriended. Therefore, said freshmen will also grow close to you, since you're basically a popular upperclassman now. This earns you friends from your own grade with a high social status as well.

5. Get into those exclusive parties, chill with the cool kids, yadda yadda yadda.

6. Eventually, your brother will graduate. But who cares? You still have your friends in your own grade, and you can soon find those new freshmen that will eventually take your place as leader of the popular kids.

7. Oh, look. That post above just said you're leader of the popular kids. And you don't even need a dorky brother :D

Friday, April 23, 2010

JJ Method 7: Born to Be Popular

There are some people in this world who were literally destined to be popular. The people with the same exact sense of style as the popular people, the same interests, same hairstyle, same everything, and not a wannabe-fake bone in their body. This method will only work if you're truly born to be popular but just weren't born into adequate circumstances and have a brother who's either 2, 3, 4, or maybe even 5 years older than you, 3 being preferable.

1) Train your older sibling to be a complete loser. Give him glasses and out-dated, poor fitting clothing. Make him super smart and socially awkward. Be sure he fits in well with the nerd community, though. Don't brand him as a loner so he's not destined to kill himself because he's so lonely and sad.

2) When you come into school on the first day, be sure to surround yourself with your freshman friends and look like you really enjoy your life. If the upperclassmen feel like you need to be with them to be popular and happy, they won't let you be with them simply to feel powerful.

3) Be sure to get into electives like chorus, band, art, or whatever your school offers that has multiple grades in it. That way, you'll be flaunting your popularity potential around the popular upperclassmen.

4) Because of your unpopular sibling, people will be watching you, expecting you to be a pathetic loser. They'll be hoping you're an easy target because all upperclassmen need a freshman to pick on. So all eyes will be on you when you wow them with your awesomeness.

5) Don't act like you care that they're impressed with you. However, because you share their interests, you'll be around them all the time, whether it be at basketball or softball practice, cheer tryouts, play rehearsals, club meetings, or whatever it is you guys do. Soon you'll have no choice but to start interacting with these people on a familiar, friendly basis.

6) Start working on cheers/practicing drills/0rganizing projects/whatever you'll be doing with your new popular friends, not overenthusiastically, but like you want to be successful and fun. Soon, your popular freshmen peers will begin to notice you hanging with these upperclassmen and grow curious.

7) Don't gloat! It's no big deal, you're just working on something together.

8) Soon, you'll be invited to high school parties not even the popular freshmen can get into. Make sure they know, but don't be the one to tell them. Now, they've got no choice but to hang out with you, if not to find out what it is you have that they don't.

9) Soon your popular peers will realize that you're just like them and befriend you rather than sabotage you (which may have been their initial plan). Continue to hang out with your older popular friends as well as the new, younger ones.

10) It's pretty clear you're popular, and I actually didn't make you sacrifice anything other than maybe your brother's social status. Your turn, Basil :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Basil Method 6: You're Just Not That Into Him

I love JJ's perspective on this last method. It works, but let's be realistic: who has the kind of money to buy a private island (not to mention a crazy giraffe suit)?? My method retains the boyfriend tactic, but makes it slightly (okay, a lot) cheaper.

1. We'll start out in a similar way as JJ's for this one. Once again, stalk the hot popular guy and catch some blackmail video/pictures while you're at it.

2. Blackmail the guy into pretending to date you, have him fall in love with you, yadda yadda yadda.

3. Ok, so now, BEFORE school starts, make sure that your new boyfriend is SO in love with you that'd he'd stretch the limits and do anything for you and your affection.

4. Right before the first day of school, dump him. It can be gently or harshly, but dump him.

5. Return to school for the new year as your usual unpopular self. However, this time you have a depressed hot popular guy who's willing to do anything to win you back.

6. With all popular guys is that popular girl who's always trying to win him over. Said popular girl will eventually approach you after seeing her "future husband" trying to win you back. Tell the girl that you don't like him that way, and you'll keep rejecting long as she lets you hang out with her friends.

7. Now you have a secured spot in the popular crowd, since your ex-boyfriend is so in love with you that he'll keep trying to win your heart back and you keep rejecting him, earning the appreciation of the popular girl who likes him. As time passes, the popular kids will get to know you for who you are and become great friends with you, regardless of the fact that you're basically blackmailing the one popular girl to be there.

8. FInally, let the guy back into your life and agree to be his girlfriend again. Sure, the popular girl that likes him will hate you now, but it doesn't matter since you're friends with everyone else in the group. So if she turns against you, you now have more friends to back you up.

9. Look at that! You're popular AND you have an insanely hot boyfriend to go with it (not to mention that he's crazy in love with you). Take that, JJ :P

Monday, April 19, 2010

JJ Method 6: He's Just Not That Into You

So as great as the British Trap is, sometimes there just isn't time to prepare for something like that. Luckily, there's other ways to get yourself a decent guy to help you achieve popularity.

1) Spend a week or so in the summer stalking the most popular boy in school (unless you're a guy, in which case the most popular girl). Dig up some dirt and, if possible, capture it on film. Also, discover some of his interests.

2) Soon after the event, approach the popular individual and threaten to expose his secrets to the entire school should he not pretend to date you. Since he cares about his reputation, he'll be forced to oblige.

3) Since you know what his interests are, be sure you capture the essence of every one of them so he soon actually falls in love with you.

4) Come school time, you and this attractive man are inseparable, meaning you have no choice but to hang out with his friends.

5) Buy a private island near Honalulu and offer it to your boyfriend's family while dressing as a giraffe from some ridiculous real estate promotion. The family will be overjoyed and will move to the house as soon as possible. Unfortunately, so will your boyfriend.

6) Help him keep in touch with his friends through you by telling them what he tells you to tell them and making some stuff up from time to time.

7) As you begin to hang out with them more, they'll stop seeing you as "whatshisface's girlfriend" and start seeing you for yourself. Be sure that you also capture the essence of their interests so that they find someone they're compatible with, not some stranger they don't understand.

8) As you grow close to the popular kids, start delivering less and less information from your old boyfriend and start talking more about yourselves.

9) Soon everyone will have forgotten about your previous connection to the group and see you as one of their own.

10) Ohmygoodness, you're popular. Aren't I amazing? :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Basil Method 5: Special (to an Extent)

Agreeing with JJ, class severely sucks. Anyone would do anything to get out of it, but let’s look at this realistically: where do you find the materials to make cutting your own leg off look like an accident? Oh, and you probably don’t want to cut your leg off either. Like my other methods, this will maintain the concept, but just a bit less casualties…and the sustained use of your legs.

1) It seems that my first steps are usually, similar to JJ’s, but I don’t really want to cut off my leg... My first step is to find a friend who has a doctor as a parent…or a doctor you know that’s a good friend or is just amazing in general.

2) Fake a severe leg injury. That’s right, FAKE it. This way, your leg is perfectly fine, yet you get to ride around in a wheelchair as people take pity on you. Have the awesome doctor help you in your plan and fake an x-ray and tell your parents that you are in need of serious surgery and will not be able to walk for quite some time. Schedule your “surgery” for a really long time from the doctor’s appointment, giving you long enough to fake your demented leg.

3) Finally I get to agree with JJ on something. STAY IN AVERAGE CLASSES. The class time you will miss will seriously affect your honors grades, so stick to the easy classes with the popular peeps in em :)

4) You flaunting your injured leg and wheelchair/crutches means you need some help from one-or four- people to get around. Make sure they’re the popular kids, since you want popularity and they want the benefits of leaving class early and getting to class late.

5) Like JJ, look helpless as much as possible. The less enemies, the better. Oh, and at this point, you should have an elevator key for your school since you can't go up and down stairs. Don’t forget that.

6) Now you’ve got the popular kids hanging around with you to miss classes, and they’re warming up to the real you…but oh, no! It’s “surgery” time! Go to the doctor and have that fake cast/brace/whatever removed, so you’re “fully healed” when you return to school.

7) You’re at school but now you have a problem. The popular kids who didn’t know you well enough don’t have any benefits to hanging out with you anymore since you don’t have the wheelchair, right? WRONG. You happen to still have an elevator key that you “forgot” to return to the school administration. The popular kids will still want to ride the elevator (since it’s a pretty cool thing to do), so they’ll continue to hang with you, so long as you have the elevator key.

8) If the administrators find out you never gave back the key and take it away, it should be no problem by now. The popular kids all like you for you, since they’ve gotten a chance to get to know you, so you’re officially popular! If they don’t, well that cool doctor is probably able to help you out when you get “hit by a bus” next week ;)

Monday, April 5, 2010

JJ Method 5: Special Treatment

There's one thing everyone hates: class. And the one thing that can help fix that is a special someone with privileges to undo that. Here's how to utilize such circumstances to help obtain popularity.

1) Cut off your leg over the summer. Do it safely so to contain the blood but near a machine so to stage it as an accident. Otherwise you wind up on suicide watch in a hospital which gets you farther from your ultimate goal.

2) Try to do step one towards the beginning of the vacation, this way you have the rest of the summer to get used to your new handy dandy wheelchair. When it's time for school to start again, you should've mastered your new mode of transportation and should be able to manipulate it just as easily as you used to be able to get around using just your legs.

3) Come school time, the school and the school nurse need to know about your new conditions. This is where you either make it or break it; the defining moment. You need to make sure you don't get put in special needs, special education, or life skills classes. Hopefully, you were enrolled in some honors classes before you began this process or you were at least getting As and Bs in regular standard courses. Fight for your right to stay on the regular classes level utilizing your peers and other resources to get around. Should the school deny you, make a big public deal about it, sue people, and because you'll be on the news all the time, you'll be popular anyway. But let's assume you got your way and you're now in classes with popular students at a regular or honors level.

4) Because of your handicap, you'll usually need another student to help you get from place to place, particularly when you need to go to a class that is up or down the stairs or maybe to the nurse. Due to the obvious fact that teachers will accept you late to class just because of the wheelchair, students will want to help you.

5) The more helpless you look, the better. That way, no one will question you when you show up late to class and, more importantly, no one will make fun of you. This is important because the less enemies you make, the more friends you'll have available to you.

6) The first month should be all about school to prove that putting you in standard classes was the right choice to make. Just let close friends and kindhearted strangers help you get around.

7) By the middle of the first semester, it'll be time to become popular. Rumors are the best way to get the word out so either have yourself or one of the close friends/kindhearted strangers who by now should be your friends spark the chain reaction that is sure to occur when word gets out that you can enable people to be late to class without question because of your injury. Soon, more people will be approaching you to help you out.

8) When the first big english paper is due, look around for popular students stressing because this is going to destroy their average and they just have a thesis. Offer to let them "help you get to class" and spin by the library so they can finish the paper. Meanwhile, you go to the nurse for some sort of pain and get a pass back to class. Go back to the library, pick up said popular student, and go to class with complete papers and at least passing grades. The popular student will feel they owe you something and will try to make it up to you for the duration of the year.

9) Continue helping students with projects and maybe even giving them just a break from the classes no one likes.

10) Check it out... you're chilling with the popular kids. And all you sacrificed for it was your legs. Not a bad deal.