Wednesday, November 9, 2011

JJ Method 9: Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Oh My!

It's been awhile since I offered you some much needed advice on how to become popular, so I'm a bit out of practice. But something most popular people I know have in common is pets. It's not a coincidence; owning and raising a pet is a social status symbol - you can afford all that food and have time to spare. So why not become popular with the greatest pet imaginable? This method will is great if you have access to the resources required, because it required minimal sacrifice and all the benefits of any other method.

1) Have your family buy a local zoo.

2) Spend your evenings after school building a meaningful relationship with a panda bear. There are probably more helpful webpages than this one for that step; I unfortunately have never had the privilege of meeting a panda bear, let alone building a relationship with one. If you can't find a zoo keeper or professional who is willing to help you, watch a movie about a dolphin or a whale and a young child (because there's a bizarre abundance of those) and then just try to do something like that.

3) Become so comfortable with your panda that you can ride it around the zoo after hours.

4) One night, take the panda bear to your house and hide it in the backyard.

5) Ride your panda to school the next day. Everyone will be really confused and shocked that someone like you has a panda. Because your popular classmates are humans, their curiosity is inevitable, and you will undoubtably have people asking you if they can see your panda.

6) Explain that the panda is part of the zoo and therefore you have to take it home right after school or else you'll be breaking the law. This will not only force the popular people to get to know you by coming home with you to meet the panda, but it will also hopefully confuse your school administrators and they won't realize that it's illegal to domesticate a panda and they'll leave you alone.

7) Bring a small group of popular people to the zoo to meet your panda (be sure to have given it some sort of cute name by this point, like "Peter" or "Penelope"). Tell them your panda really likes them and talk about how good they are with animals so they feel special.

8) Soon the popular people will be coming over for you AND the panda. In no time, you won't even have to go into the zoo to get them to hang out with you.

9) I do believe you're popular. You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Basil Method 8: It's Insane How Unlike JJ's Post This is, So It's Really Hard to Find a Rhyming Name

After a short...err...not-so-short...hiatus, I, Basil, have returned to finally respond to the post that JJ wrote up so long ago. Yeah, sorry for being insanely inconsistent and such...
I read through JJ's post and immediately came up with an insanely amazing idea for my post, complete with rhyming name and all. However, it's been a few weeks, and I tend to forget things that are actually importatnt (yes, blogging does fall under that category). Therefore, my amazing idea, title and all, decided to go and elope with my original idea for Basil Method #5, and therefore will not return. I did, however, find another celebrity-esque method, but it has nothing to do with parents. Or LA. Or being adopted. But JJ was telling me to post something, so here it is.

So you've finally reached method #8 (technically, 16 if you want to count the fact that there are two methods per number). All your other efforts at obtaining popularity have failed. You searched the streets day in and day out for a British boy, only happening to come across two guys from Greenland and a handful from Germany.You became the star of the musical, but it only gave you some small elementary school fangirls and some jealous upperclassmen. You went out and bought a fancy schmancy camera, but all it got you was a disc full of pictures you don't have the time to upload. Well, now's your chance to obtain that popularity you've been striving for. How? Through some celeb action, of course.

1. Remember that amazing singing voice that got you the lead in the school musical as a freshman? No? Well, it's there (or if it's not, refer to your resident magical alpaca for some help with that), and you should probably make use of it. After the musical, many have forgotten your amazing theater skills, focusing back to People magazine or some cheesy gossip blogs (while stopping by for all their Degrassi needs) for new info to tell. This is where I finally start to tell you what to do. Grab your singing voice and an open audition schedule for a Broadway show that's either opening or re-casting. It's best to go with re-casting, since people already know what the show is and it's already popular. However, you want to aim for a lead role, so do whatever's available.

2. Nail that audition. I mean, with your insanely amazing singing voice and decent enough dancing skills, how could you not? You'll amaze the director and instantly obtain a role in the show. This role doesn't even have to be a lead role for the popularity aspect, but with that singing voice (and a magical alpaca who can ake you look the part as well), you're sure to grab a lead.

3. Rehearsals should be starting soon and will probably be lasting a while, but keep the whole thing under wraps and don't tell a soul. Act as if everything is perfectly normal and continue on with your life as always.

4.Finally it's opening night for a Broadway show (will it flop, or will it go? The cast is taking-...okay, I'll stop now with the showtunes). That first night, blow the audience's socks off (well, you don't really need me to tell you to do that). The good reviews will come rushing in, striking newspapers and television shows everywhere, your name being mentioned in every single one.

5. Returning to school, you'll find a TON of people beginning to notice you. Not just the theater nerds, but EVERYONE. Why? Well, if that exclusive cast party the news had full coverage of wasn't enough, then maybe your recent connections with some Broadway and TV stars will be. Now, note that at this point, the popular kids most likely won't be friends with you. Why? Broadway connections aren't enough. Sure, they'll envy you, but TV is where the action's at, and that's where you're headed next. On the flip side, if your school is already bowing down to you because of your Broadway show, then feel free to bask in it and skip the rest of this method.

6. Find a teenage TV actor that's into Broadway and that is associated with FOX. Don't ask me who this could be, since I am almost completely dead to pop culture. Charm him with your fascinating good looks and perfect personality (complements of the magical alpaca, of course) until your new relationship is all over the tabloids to the point where the two of you have a combined name.

7. Your connections with said TV actor will eventually earn you a walk-in role on his show, or perhaps a featured part for an episode. Whatever it may be, do it well. Even better than the actors/actresses that are actually in the show. Next thing you know, you've got a part in Glee as a result of your amazing talent and awesomeness, since the FOX people happened to stop by during your featured role, and they've already seen your current Broadway show due to an inconspicuous invite complete with backstage passes.

8. Here's where you attract the kids to you. You're now on Glee, one of the most popular shows that hit televistion for the past year, but tfilming doesn't start for a few months, so you can finish the school year. Sit back and watch as the popular kids flock to you, hoping for your attention so they can snag invites to some sort of red-carpet party in NYC. Grant the invites to them, of course, and now, not only are you the envy of the school, but you've got a posse to go with it.

Friday, April 30, 2010

JJ Method 8: Daddy's Girl

This one's hard to pull off, but if you manage to, it's fool-proof.

1) Do something awful to get your parents to disown you. But don't go crazy. Just something they'd hate, not something the police force and/or government could potentially hate. This way, you're not a criminal, orphan, or murderer, you just don't have a legal guardian.

2) Run off to LA for the summer. Stage a scene in which some celebrity could potentially die but jump in at the last second to save their life. Be sure you don't get too creative, though. Make it so that you can easily save them without putting your life in too much danger. And although I assume this is self-explanatory, I'll clarify regardless: Don't make it look like the incident was caused by you, just prevented by you. Otherwise, you're a criminal. And that's not what we want to accomplish.
(Also, Celebrity-wise, I'd say Robert Downey Jr., James Marsden, or Morgan Freeman but that's just me... it'd probably be best to choose someone more iconic like Zac Efron but married and adultish, so more like Brad Pitt or Tom Hanks. Or just go with Robert Downey Jr. if you can. I absolutely adore him. But then again, he might be intimidating and/or just plain frightening in person. Maybe John Cusack? Leonardo DiCaprio? Eh, nevermind, just go for someone famous, cool and preferably somewhat sane since all celebrities are out of their minds. Plus, aim for someone ridiculously attractive.)

3) After you save said celebrity from a near death experience, they'll probably owe you. Big time. So they'll take you out to dinner or whatever. Here's where you really need to make a good impression. You don't need to jump right into father-daughter relationship status yet, but be likeable enough to get invited to do something else with the celebrity you selected. As the two of you grow closer over the course of the summer, the required father-daughter relationship will soon begin to form.

4) On any particular outing with your celebrity, mention how your parents disowned you. Be sure that your celebrity really cares about you at this point, otherwise you'll come across as dangerous and a little intimidating and possibly image damaging. Cry a bit and tell your celebrity about how you messed up. Mention that your parents overreacted, but make it clear you're remorseful, sad, and longing for a Dad. Haha, that rhymes! :)

5) As the summer continues, your celebrity will grow so close to you that he'll want to fill the void in your heart by becoming your father. Since he's wealthy, he'll be able to buy you a house near your old school so to not make you abandon your old friends. And if he doesn't, he'll at least put you in a town/city with a decent school system, preferably not in LA (where knowing a celebrity is less special that knowing one in, say, Nebraska).

6) Don't brag when you get back to school (or start at your new one). No one needs to know who your father if. Granted, if you make new friends and you don't want to lose them you can trust them. And of course, if you're staying at your old school, be sure to keep your old friends by telling them about your summer so they don't feel hurt when they find out by word of mouth. Otherwise, though, no one else can know.

7) No one, that is, but your new best friend, that kid who doesn't seem like she can keep a secret for her life. It's always better to have things spread by rumor rather than by yourself so you don't look like you're bragging.

8) Once word gets out, everyone will want to come over just so they can meet your Dad. But you can't just let them. Then you'll look desperate. No, you must pull the classic I-just-want-friends-who-love-me-for-who-I-am-not-for-who-my-father-is spiel. Now the popular people must work to gain your friendship, which will not only make you feel powerful but also give them the opportunity to get to know you so they don't just use you and then abandon you. They'll see you're actually a nice person and a good friend, not just some guy's daughter.

9) Once the popular crowd starts hanging out with you and you can tell that they actually like you now, introduce them to your fabulous father and let them brag about the awesomeness of meeting him. Keep it exclusive. You're old friends and your popular friends can meet your Dad, but no one else. Otherwise, it's nothing special.

10) Taste the awesomeness of popularity. And then introduce me to your celebrity father as a way of saying, "thanks."

NOTE: The more I think about it, the more I realize most male celebrities are out of their mind insane. Granted, there are crazier females (**cough cough britneyspearsparishiltonkategosselinladygagaandsoonandsoforth cough cough**) but there are some more sane women. If you'd feel more comfortable going for a female celebrity, which are probably more motherly regardless, then go for it. They work just as well if not better. But I don't feel like changing this post title to "Mommy's Girl" or "Mommy's/Daddy's Girl/Boy." Although that last one really captures the real idea of the post. But Basil would kill me because there's no way she could rhyme with that.
So... yeah. The end :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Basil Method 7: Scorned to be Popular

Thanks, JJ, for giving me a small introduction and invitation to write my post (which I am doing diligently this time once again xD). Now, as expected, I feel like JJ's post had a few flaws, such as the ruining the life of your older brother (since my older brother, though nerdy, is one of my favorite people in the entire world). Honestly, I had a different plan in mind, but I couldn't find a title that rhymed (oh, look. Unintentional rhyming...), so I created this new plan in my head, so don't judge me if it sounds absurd.

1. Completely opposite of JJ's beginning, train your brother to be insanely popular when he gets into high school. Have him learn a sense of style and get him involved in every extracurricular that would make him important (sports, school play, etc.). Also, your brother has to love and appreciate you for who you are, regardless of how it will make him look to his peers.

2. On the flip side, my method requires YOU to be a loser (but only in middle school). This loser DOES mean that you have to be a loner by the time you reach high school. Don't worry, it'll play out from there.

3. Freshman year, you won't have any friends in your grade. Good. Now, have your brother introduce you to his awesome upperclassmen friends. Since they don't know the popular freshmen (yet), then they'll be thrilled to know that you're not associated with all the rest of the "stupid freshmen". Also, since your brother basically leads the popular group, they have no choice but to accept you.

4. As the course of highschool always turns out, the popular freshmen will grow close to the popular upperclassmen you've already befriended. Therefore, said freshmen will also grow close to you, since you're basically a popular upperclassman now. This earns you friends from your own grade with a high social status as well.

5. Get into those exclusive parties, chill with the cool kids, yadda yadda yadda.

6. Eventually, your brother will graduate. But who cares? You still have your friends in your own grade, and you can soon find those new freshmen that will eventually take your place as leader of the popular kids.

7. Oh, look. That post above just said you're leader of the popular kids. And you don't even need a dorky brother :D

Friday, April 23, 2010

JJ Method 7: Born to Be Popular

There are some people in this world who were literally destined to be popular. The people with the same exact sense of style as the popular people, the same interests, same hairstyle, same everything, and not a wannabe-fake bone in their body. This method will only work if you're truly born to be popular but just weren't born into adequate circumstances and have a brother who's either 2, 3, 4, or maybe even 5 years older than you, 3 being preferable.

1) Train your older sibling to be a complete loser. Give him glasses and out-dated, poor fitting clothing. Make him super smart and socially awkward. Be sure he fits in well with the nerd community, though. Don't brand him as a loner so he's not destined to kill himself because he's so lonely and sad.

2) When you come into school on the first day, be sure to surround yourself with your freshman friends and look like you really enjoy your life. If the upperclassmen feel like you need to be with them to be popular and happy, they won't let you be with them simply to feel powerful.

3) Be sure to get into electives like chorus, band, art, or whatever your school offers that has multiple grades in it. That way, you'll be flaunting your popularity potential around the popular upperclassmen.

4) Because of your unpopular sibling, people will be watching you, expecting you to be a pathetic loser. They'll be hoping you're an easy target because all upperclassmen need a freshman to pick on. So all eyes will be on you when you wow them with your awesomeness.

5) Don't act like you care that they're impressed with you. However, because you share their interests, you'll be around them all the time, whether it be at basketball or softball practice, cheer tryouts, play rehearsals, club meetings, or whatever it is you guys do. Soon you'll have no choice but to start interacting with these people on a familiar, friendly basis.

6) Start working on cheers/practicing drills/0rganizing projects/whatever you'll be doing with your new popular friends, not overenthusiastically, but like you want to be successful and fun. Soon, your popular freshmen peers will begin to notice you hanging with these upperclassmen and grow curious.

7) Don't gloat! It's no big deal, you're just working on something together.

8) Soon, you'll be invited to high school parties not even the popular freshmen can get into. Make sure they know, but don't be the one to tell them. Now, they've got no choice but to hang out with you, if not to find out what it is you have that they don't.

9) Soon your popular peers will realize that you're just like them and befriend you rather than sabotage you (which may have been their initial plan). Continue to hang out with your older popular friends as well as the new, younger ones.

10) It's pretty clear you're popular, and I actually didn't make you sacrifice anything other than maybe your brother's social status. Your turn, Basil :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Basil Method 6: You're Just Not That Into Him

I love JJ's perspective on this last method. It works, but let's be realistic: who has the kind of money to buy a private island (not to mention a crazy giraffe suit)?? My method retains the boyfriend tactic, but makes it slightly (okay, a lot) cheaper.

1. We'll start out in a similar way as JJ's for this one. Once again, stalk the hot popular guy and catch some blackmail video/pictures while you're at it.

2. Blackmail the guy into pretending to date you, have him fall in love with you, yadda yadda yadda.

3. Ok, so now, BEFORE school starts, make sure that your new boyfriend is SO in love with you that'd he'd stretch the limits and do anything for you and your affection.

4. Right before the first day of school, dump him. It can be gently or harshly, but dump him.

5. Return to school for the new year as your usual unpopular self. However, this time you have a depressed hot popular guy who's willing to do anything to win you back.

6. With all popular guys is that popular girl who's always trying to win him over. Said popular girl will eventually approach you after seeing her "future husband" trying to win you back. Tell the girl that you don't like him that way, and you'll keep rejecting long as she lets you hang out with her friends.

7. Now you have a secured spot in the popular crowd, since your ex-boyfriend is so in love with you that he'll keep trying to win your heart back and you keep rejecting him, earning the appreciation of the popular girl who likes him. As time passes, the popular kids will get to know you for who you are and become great friends with you, regardless of the fact that you're basically blackmailing the one popular girl to be there.

8. FInally, let the guy back into your life and agree to be his girlfriend again. Sure, the popular girl that likes him will hate you now, but it doesn't matter since you're friends with everyone else in the group. So if she turns against you, you now have more friends to back you up.

9. Look at that! You're popular AND you have an insanely hot boyfriend to go with it (not to mention that he's crazy in love with you). Take that, JJ :P

Monday, April 19, 2010

JJ Method 6: He's Just Not That Into You

So as great as the British Trap is, sometimes there just isn't time to prepare for something like that. Luckily, there's other ways to get yourself a decent guy to help you achieve popularity.

1) Spend a week or so in the summer stalking the most popular boy in school (unless you're a guy, in which case the most popular girl). Dig up some dirt and, if possible, capture it on film. Also, discover some of his interests.

2) Soon after the event, approach the popular individual and threaten to expose his secrets to the entire school should he not pretend to date you. Since he cares about his reputation, he'll be forced to oblige.

3) Since you know what his interests are, be sure you capture the essence of every one of them so he soon actually falls in love with you.

4) Come school time, you and this attractive man are inseparable, meaning you have no choice but to hang out with his friends.

5) Buy a private island near Honalulu and offer it to your boyfriend's family while dressing as a giraffe from some ridiculous real estate promotion. The family will be overjoyed and will move to the house as soon as possible. Unfortunately, so will your boyfriend.

6) Help him keep in touch with his friends through you by telling them what he tells you to tell them and making some stuff up from time to time.

7) As you begin to hang out with them more, they'll stop seeing you as "whatshisface's girlfriend" and start seeing you for yourself. Be sure that you also capture the essence of their interests so that they find someone they're compatible with, not some stranger they don't understand.

8) As you grow close to the popular kids, start delivering less and less information from your old boyfriend and start talking more about yourselves.

9) Soon everyone will have forgotten about your previous connection to the group and see you as one of their own.

10) Ohmygoodness, you're popular. Aren't I amazing? :)